Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

Jason Goes to Hell (250)Synopsis: Jason Vorhees, the living, breathing essence of evil, is back for another fierce fling. Tracked down and blown to bits by a special FBI task force, everyone now assumes that he’s finally dead. But everyone assumes wrong. Jason has been reborn with the bone chilling ability to assume the identity of anyone he touches. The terrifying truth is he could be anywhere. Or anybody.

In this shocking, blood soaked installment to Jason’s carnage ridden reign of terror, the secret of his unstoppable killing instinct is finally revealed. And once you know the chilling facts you’ll see him in your nightmares. And he’ll see you in hell!

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Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday 3.0

eyelights: the series finally ends (doesn’t it?). the props from other horror movies.
eyesores: the plot. the script. the performances. the continuity errors. the weak direction. the “special” effects.

“My professional opinion: this guy’s deader than shit. Ha ha ha ha ha. Um, strike that last comment from the record.”

In the eighth installment of the seemingly endless ‘Friday the 13th‘ series, Jason went to Manhattan. Well, how could producers possibly top that? For lack of better ideas they actually considered ‘Jason Goes to L.A.’.

Ultimately, though, instead they sent Jason to Hell.

Close enough.

But, personally, I think that they should have considered sending him to Heaven instead. Think about it: Jason rampaging past the Pearly Gates and macheteing the crap out of a bunch of harp-playing winged new-agers.

Awesome!

Plus which blood looks great on white.

“I’ll have a Voorhees burger and a side of Jason fingers.”
Originally called “Friday the 13th Part IX: The Dark Heart of Jason Voorhees”, the conceit of ‘Jason Goes to Hell’ is that he is killed by a S.W.A.T. team (don’t ask!). In order to come back from the severely mutilated he possesses hapless human beings.

Yes, you read that right: Jason can now possess people. And he does so by French kissing them with a grotesquely blackened tongue! I’m really not joking here. And we’re talking mano a mano deep kissing here!

How progressive!

Actually, the picture is pretty progressive considering the genre: there’s an equal amount of female and male nudity (although the women are -collectively- much hotter). Plus which 2/3 of the women are regular women, not models.

Not bad for a slasher film.

But all of this leads me to Jason’s presence in the movie, in that he doesn’t look like Jason: he looks like whoever he’s possessed in that moment (although we -and other characters- can see him reflected in mirrors! WTF).

(B-t-w, my favourite possession is the first, which has the coroner eat Jason’s disgusting heart. He is then supposed to make evil groans but it actually sounds like he can’t stop belching – burps from the pits of Hell. Too much!)

The problem is this: none of the possessed people look threatening. So, basically, we have a bunch of regular shmos wandering about killing people, and they’re not convincing at it. And we don’t get the satisfaction of seeing our icon.

I’m no great fan of the Kane Hodder version of Jason (mostly due to his crappy oversized foam head), but at least he had presence. These nobodies have nothing on him; they’re about as scary as your neighbour after a few drinks.

“Say, Doc! What’s the verdict? Is Jason gonna be gettin’ up and walkin’ around any time soon?”
What Jason is after here is resurrection, and these bodies can only hold him for so long – hence why he keeps passing from one to the other (not that we understand this at the onset, another major problem in the picture).

Apparently, the only way he can be reborn -or killed- is by another Voorhees. Conveniently enough, he happens to have a sister, who has a daughter, who has a son. Who knows where they come from, and who cares?

He’s got targets!

Naturally, he’s revived only at the outset. But worry not, dear friends: he comes back with his jumpsuit and mask on! Naturally. Forget logic: audiences needed to see the iconic get-up one final time before he died for good (for good, right…?).

The problem with ‘Jason Goes to Hell’, besides how nonsensical it is, is that it’s just bloody boring. Very bloody (they totally amped up the sex and violence here). But oh-so-very-boring as well. It’s all déjà vu, and done way better.

It also suffers from uncharismatic leads who can’t act, and the most grating side-character: Creighton Duke, a bounty hunter who happens to know everything there is to be known about Jason for reasons we don’t fully understand.

Played by Steven Williams, Duke is akin to Chris Rock in action mode: he shouts every single line, as though he has to beat his point into his interlocutors. He’s so annoying that he’s all I remember from this picture when I think about it.

It doesn’t help that his character is a douche. He’s supposed to be tough as nail, but he’s really just a big ol’ @$$hole. Seriously. It’s hard to root for a guy who breaks peoples’ fingers as the price for giving them information.

Not the other way around.

Seriously.

“He was nothing but a big old pussy anyway.”
By the time that Jason is taken to Hell (yes, like ‘Manhattan’, he only gets there at the end – and we don’t actually visit it ourselves) by rubber-gloved “demon” hands, we don’t give a crap that Jason is gone. May he rest in pieces.

It would only be fitting.

But, should he come back, I hope that producers consider the following idea: Jason Goes to the Mall. Think about it: Jason rampaging through a mall, slaughtering airheaded SoCal teens! Think of all the potential product placement!

No? How about ‘Jason Goes to School”, then? Think about it: teenaged audiences (the only people who watch this crap, aside for me) would love seeing teachers and bullies hacked apart. Plus which it worked for the Ernest pictures!

No? What, then…? What did you say? “Jason Goes to Space”? Really…? Well, it worked for the ‘Leprechaun’ franchise, I suppose… But doesn’t it sound like a crap idea that’s beneath even this way over-rated series?

“Suck this. Suck it. You know what I’d like to do to you? I’d like to take a crap right on your fucking mask. A big old mango-sized crap.”

Jason is no doubt spinning in his hellish grave.

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!

Story: 1.0
Acting: 3.0
Production: 4.0

Chills: 1.0
Gore: 6.0
Violence: 6.0

Date of viewing: February 11, 2015

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