eyelights: Sesame. the cheerleaders’ spirit. its sexy bits.
eyesores: David Hasselhoff. its crummy humour. its weak script. its amateurish performances.
“Boys, boys, boys all around.”
The place: Los Angeles
The conspiracy: Merging Aloha High with rivals Lincoln High to develop the land into a new mall.
The villain: Walter Hartlander, Chairman of the School Board.
The heroes: The Aloha Cheerleaders.
The plan: Party! Party! Party! Then rescue Principal Walker. Save the day.
What more is there to say about ‘Revenge of the Cheerleaders’, a T&A exploitation flick that’s the second of three sequels to the 1973 drive-in hit ‘The Cheerleaders
Does it have cute cheerleaders?
It sure does!
Do they get their yayas out?
Do they corrupt the school’s jocks?
Do they ever!
Well, what more could you want in a cheerleader movie?
Well, how about David Hasselhoff in his debut performance?
No joke: The Hoff plays the basketball team’s star player, Boner.
Forget the fact that he sticks out from the rest because he’s WAY older than everyone else.
Forget the fact that he looks positively wired all the way through.
Forget the fact that he’s asked to do a solo dance, and it involves squatting and flipping his arms.
Forget the fact that he doesn’t have one line to say in the whole film.
It’s still The m-f-in’ Hoff!!!
And rumour has it that you see his willy! I didn’t see it, but there’s a shower scene in which the basketball team is joined by the cheerleaders and everyone makes out in a room full of suds. Apparently you can see The Hoff fully in the buff there.
I didn’t notice. I wasn’t really paying attention.
I might have been distracted by Sesame, the cutesy cheerleader who’s always finding ways to go topless – if not completely nude. Patrice Rohmer may not show much acting talent here, but she sure brought unbridled enthusiasm to the table in every scene.
And endless skin: She just couldn’t keep her clothes on!
The rest of the girls were in the spirit of things, too, partying like that’s all that mattered, but Rohmer stood out because of her energy. The others stood out for their diversity, which I thought was really cool – there’s a really good balance this time.
But, otherwise, the picture is hardly memorable.
It has a few silly set pieces, like the original Principal following the instructions of a cooking lesson (playing from a record) in his own office – which is filled with cooking equipment and food. I have no idea what that was about; it was just weird.
There’s also a scene in which the cheerleaders decide to spike the cafeteria spaghetti sauce – coincidentally on the day that State Inspectors are there. This leads to “wacky” food play, uncontrollable laughter and the aforementioned shower debauchery.
And there’s the finale, which finds the cheerleaders rescuing the new Principal from the clutches of Nurse Beam (who is also the cook and disciplinarian). They essentially chase her out of a park, through some caves, through a small mall, and into quicksand.
And the quicksand collapses under Nurse Beam, crashing through into Walter Hartlander’s secret underground office, where he’s planning the construction of the mall. Naturally, the cheerleaders jump into the hole and stop Harlander and Beam’s plans.
(Did I fail to mention that there are a lot of poorly-choreographed scenes of the kids just getting down to music?)
‘Revenge of the Cheerleaders’ is no great film, but its ebullience is an antidote to many of its poisons. Still, it remains a really crappy low budget film and I’d warn anyone against watching it unless they fully know what they’re getting themselves into.
It’s meatier than ‘The Cheerleaders’.
It’s more fun than ‘The Swinging Cheerleaders’.
But it ain’t no ‘Bring it On’.
Date of viewing: February 19, 2017