Synopsis: When reluctant virgin Jeannie (the delicious Stephanie Fondue) joins the Amoroso High cheerleaders, she’s welcomed into their wild world of teenage teases, lesbian love, horny jocks and more. But now the fix is in on the season’s big game, and the sexy squad has a plan to suck out the energy of the entire opposing team. Can the girls help their school win the championship? Will Jeannie find someone to pluck the cherry from her sundae? And most of all, is anyone safe from the unleashed lust of The Cheerleaders?
The Cheerleaders 4.25
eyelights: all the nubile young flesh. its corny ’70s softcore quality.
eyesores: everything else.
“Who wants my cherry? Too late!”
Seriously, what is there to say about ‘The Cheerleaders’, the 1972 softcore sex comedy that revolves around a bunch of naughty cheerleaders at a Californian high school? It has little plot, horrible dialogues, corny humour, unbelievably bad performances, and abysmal direction.
It’s basically amateur hour all the way.
But there’s something sort of charming about it anyway. Maybe it’s my sex-addled brain talking, but it has such a make-do, laissez-faire quality about it that it’s nearly impossible to fault it for its flaws; since it doesn’t really take itself seriously it can be forgiven its ineptitude.
The story is simple: 16-year-old Jeannie can’t get the time of day from her dorky boyfriend, Norm. In an attempt to lose her virginity, she joins her school’s cheerleading team, whose members are openly promiscuous. Soon Jeannie is out helping her new friends seduce the football team.
And the opposing team.
And the tomboy gym coach.
And the creepy janitor.
And the snack stand vendor.
And so forth and so on.
The girls are cute, but none of them have star quality. There’s Jovita Bush, who could have given Pam Grier a run for her money, but she couldn’t deliver a line worth her life. Needless to say, few of them parlayed their roles in this film into a Hollywood career. Wow, whatta loss.
The sexy bits are mostly a joke, non-choreographed in such a way that you can tell there was no attention to realism (“Just dry hump each like dogs”, the so-called director must have offered). It’s actually kind of funny to watch as the performers are flopping all over each like fish.
My favourite, though, must be when tomboy Coach Gannon asks Patty to stay after class, and she proceeds to seduce her – by sharing the gym equipment with her. So we watch the pair hang out, naked, strapped together in the vibrating belt or on the exercise bike. Real lesbian sex, kids!
And if it’s not the sex that’s a joke, then it’s the humour, which is rarely actually funny – aside for a few lines like “I’m a (virgin). And I always have been.” or “Look at those milkshakes!”. The picture tries to be funny, but it’s so unclever and inept in its execution that it fails.
You pretty much have to be horny and baked to enjoy it.
(It must have done well at drive-ins.)
Really, the ‘The Cheerleaders’ is all about the carefree T&A; it’s essentially the softcore equivalent of ‘Debbie Does Dallas’. And, if watched through that lens, then it might be enjoyable. But it’s by no means a great movie. It’s a naughty little guilty pleasure, that’s all.
But enough of one, in fact, that there were three sequels.
Date of viewing: February 11, 2017