Synopsis: Look who just invaded Uncle Carl’s Beach House A coming-of-age story about a bookish young woman who changes during her summer vacation from a bespectacled bookworm to a femme fatale. Starring Debra Blee, Playboy Playmate Jeana Tomasina, James Daughton (National Lampoon’s Animal House) and Adam Roarke.

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The Beach Girls 3.0

eyelights: it makes other T&A beach movies seem Oscar-worthy.
eyesores: where does one begin?

“What are we waiting for? Let’s have a party!”

I’m at a loss of words. I’ve seen my fair share of crap movies in my time. And, in the T&A comedy genre, the bar is set pretty low. But ‘The Beach Girls’ really takes the cake: I can’t for the life of me think of ONE thing that I truly enjoyed in this 1982 movie.

Set over two days at the beginning of the summer break, it finds Sarah going to her uncle’s California beach house for some sun. But she makes one big mistake: she invites her best friends, Ginger and Ducky, who turn the visit into one continuous house party.

Whoot! Party!

Look, I’m uptight, but I’m not that uptight: I’m a fan of plenty of of T&A comedies that revolve around partying and getting laid. But the only way anyone could possibly enjoy ‘The Beach Girls’ is by being really drunk or stoned – enough to laugh at anything.

Even the dumbest, lamest gags.

Which is all that can be found in this movie (ex: a guy squeezes the wiener out of his hotdog as he watches a topless girl walk by). It’s such a pathetic movie that it has not just one, but two bargain-basement Alan Arkins in it: a coast guard captain and a gardener.

The gardener litters the picture with such classic gags as:

• watering the plants at an angle so that it looks like he’s peeing.
• getting paint dumped on his head.
• cutting a wire while shearing and getting shocked.
• falling down the stairs.
• getting into a mud fight with a kung fu limo driver.

All to the humourous sounds of a bassoon going “womp womp”. Seriously. That’s as sophisticated as this picture gets.

Not funny bad.

Just bad.

Another winner is when the coast guard decide to break up the party after the partygoers find a shipment of smuggled pot on the beach. To a pathetic disco version of “Ride of the Valkyries”, we watch these so-called law enforcers “storm the beach” in… um… dingies.

Haha.

Needless to say, the performances are all awful – awful beyond words. So you can imagine what the -ahem- “comic” performances are like.

I was stunned to find James Daughton in here as Scott, whom Ginger and Ducky pick up, but who hooks up with Sarah within minutes. He was stiff as Gregg in ‘Animal House‘, but I thought it was just the part. Nope: he has the delivery of Keanu Reeves and Chris Klein.

Of course, it would be easy to blame the script, which offers some of the lamest dialogues and one-liners in recent memory. After all, behold this witticism: “Is that a salami in your pocket, or you just glad to see me?” And… it’s… you’ve guessed it: a salami!

Hilarity ensues!

This was Patrick Duncan’s first script and one of the last films by sexploitation director Bud Townsend, so what more can you expect?

Sigh…

What about the T&A? Is it at least worth tuning in for? Well, there are a lot of nice young bodies on display – but of B-grade variety.

I mean, just the opening shot set the tone, being a poor man’s ‘Hardbodies‘, showing fairly average women and men frolicking on the beach. It’s set to a $#!tty beach song whose chorus is “I wanna go to paradise”; I would have preferred the “California Girls” video.

So, yeah, plenty of boobies, pecks and butts to go around, but not as many as the occasion deserved. And the camera didn’t do them justice.

A movie that depends on T&A but doesn’t deliver it, that relies on corny sex gags and stupid pot humour really isn’t worth seeing. I’d tune into to ‘Spring Break‘ or ‘Hardbodies’ any time before ever seeing ‘The Beach Girls’ ever again. What a waste of 90 minutes.

And brain cells.

Story: 2.5
Acting: 3.0
Production: 3.5

Nudity: 3.0
Sexiness: 2.0
Explicitness: 2.0

Date of viewing: January 29, 2017