Spring Break

Spring BreakSynopsis: Welcome to Ft. Lauderdale, where 250,000 college kids come once a year for the sole purpose of partying. And for four guys unleashed in the land of sun, sand and skin, Spring Break is about to become a non-stop saga of beers, bars, bellyflops, wet t-shirt contests, teeny bikinis, crooked politicians, true love, pure lust and more of what makes America great. Could a movie this awesome – and from the director of the original Friday The 13th, no less – have come from anywhere but the ’80s? David Knell, Perry Lang, Sheila Kennedy, Jeff Garlin, Nikki Fritz and 1982 Penthouse Pet Of The Year Corrine Alphen co-star, featuring music by NRBQ, .38 Special, Jack Mack & The Heart Attack, Cheap Trick and more!

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Spring Break 6.75

eyelights: seas of nubile young flesh.
eyesores: masses of empty young minds.

Adam: “Nelson, wherever you look… skin, skin, skin!!!”

Once in a lifetime comes a cinematic experience of such depth that it will shake you to your core, a motion picture so meaningful that it will change the way that you perceive the world around you.

Hopefully, this is not that movie.

There’s not much to say about ‘Spring Break’, quite frankly. Critiquing it from a traditional perspective is a moot point to say the least, given that the whole cast are non-actors, there is no plot, and not much of note.

Except for all the skin. Not necessarily fully nude. Not necessarily female. This is an equal opportunity film. This is a film that offers eye candy to men and women, straight or gay, black or white, and everyone in between.

In fact, it banks on it.

Because, if there’s anything one can’t say about this picture is that it has a plot. There simply isn’t any. The point of the movie is to string one mindless party after another, with nary a concern for dialogue, character development or story.

Actually, most of the development takes place off-screen, as casually overlooked as can be. The characters are always kept up to date with what’s going on, but it’s never done on screen. There are other considerations that take precedence: it’s spring break, after all.

The film covers all manner of spring break antics: drinking, belly flop contest, drinking, partying, drinking, cruising girls, drinking, wet t-shirt contest, drinking, bedding girls, drinking, bikini contest, and drinking. Well, what does one expect? It’s spring break, after all.

‘Spring Break’s message is especially amusing. There’s a desperation about the kids which is hilarious, as they claim this partying behaviour as a way to stick it to the man, to stand up against authority. Pffft.

It also boldly states that this is the last chance to have fun because, after college, there won’t be any more chances left. This is the last hurrah, and it’s the reason to go to college. Double pffft.

Given that I was too young at the time of its release to have any perspective on this, I wonder if ‘Spring Break’ was a Polaroid of a point in time, or if it was the start of a movement towards the dumbing down of generations.

Because, let’s face it, this film celebrates being an idiot. It’s not nearly as bad as some of its peers, actually, in that there is no major moronic behaviour to be seen, but it nonetheless equates mindless pursuits with fun. And trumpets its glories.

Having said this, I actually found ‘Spring Break’ half-decent for what it is. It’s not a terrible film by any stretch of the imagination, it’s just that it’s devoid of content and any emotion is superficial and utterly meaningless.

After about 40 minutes of watching one party scene after the next, I couldn’t help but wonder how they’d manage to string together any more. They found ways, and also threw in a lame subplot about one of our protagonists being chased by his stepfather.

Well, there has to be a semblance of plot somewhere, right? A scriptwriter has to pay his bills, you know. Frankly, this would be such an easy way to make money that I wonder why director/producer Sean S. Cunningham (of ‘Friday the 13th‘ fame!) didn’t make a franchise out of this one.

Think about it: ‘Spring Break 2: Back to the Beach’, ‘Spring Break 3: Awesome Threesome’, ‘Spring Break 4: The Final Break’, ‘Spring Break 5: A New Booty’, ‘Spring Break 6: Spring Lives’, Spring Break 7: The Nude Beach’, et cetera, et cetera…

But, seriously, if one is watching ‘Spring Break’ with a bunch of drunk friends, it might actually have some sort of value. Watching other people pretending to have fun might be a simple vehicle for taking a break of one’s senses.

However, stone cold sober, ‘Spring Break’ has very little to offer except for “skin, skin, skin”. And that only goes so far.

Adam: “I still don’t know where my underpants are.”

Date of viewing: April 29, 2013

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