Hardbodies

HardbodiesSynopsis: When three middle-aged geezers move into a swinging beach house, they hire a young stud to teach them how to score with the local beauties. Courtney Gains (Children of the Corn), Darcy DeMoss (Reform School Girls), ’80s band Vixen and hundreds of Southern California’s hottest swimsuit models co-star in the legendary cult comedy that Mr. Skin calls “astounding…a gaggle of gaga-making girlies…!”

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Hardbodies 6.25

eyelights: its overabundance of naked flesh. its concert performances by Vixen.
eyesores: its vacuousness. its lame humour. some of its performances.

“Well, dip my skinny.”

Okay, it’s called ‘Hardbodies’. It was originally filmed for broadcast on The Playboy Channel, before getting a distribution deal with Columbia Pictures. Its poster consists of a close-up of the bronzed, fit torso and abdomen of a woman squeezing the title in suntan lotion on herself.

Seriously, what more is there to say?

I still remember seeing the VHS box art on the shelves of all the video rental stores when I was a kid. Naturally, it was out of reach, given that it was rated R and I was many years away from being 18. But it intrigued me for some reason (I don’t know why!). And yet I never saw it.

Not until now.

I had no great expectations going in, obviously; I didn’t even know what passed for plot in this picture. I just knew that it was likely T&A heaven, based on the title and poster. Fact is, the only reason I picked it up is because it came along with its sequel on the same DVD for just 6$.

That was good enough for me.

‘Hardbodies’ is about three middle-aged businessmen who decide to come down to South California to pick up the PYTs they’d been dreaming about their whole lives. And so they rent a beachfront house to party in and try their hand at scoring some of the fine women there – to no avail.

They’re too old, you see.

Desperate to break that glass ceiling, they hire Scotty, a local player, to teach them the ropes. Broke, and having just been evicted from his apartment, he takes them on in exchange for a room at the beach house and 600$ a month. After a few false starts, they become total mack daddies.

Um, yeah…

Surprise, surprise, there’s really not much plot, and the humour is weak at best: Ooh, watch the guys make dorks of themselves as they hit on women. Haha. Watch Rag, Scotty’s best friend, act lame around the girls. Haha. Watch the revelers outsmart beach bunnies to get them naked. Haha.

Obviously, the performances are nothing noteworthy either, going from average for the genre to abysmal, in the case of some of the airheads passing for actors in this fluff (in particular, Crystal Shaw deserves a serious dishonourable mention for utterly stinking up the screen as Candy).

Not that it matters any.

It also doesn’t matter that the film is padded with nonsense such as a contrived conflict with beach bums that leads to a seadoo chase, or with Roger being inexplicably visited (and taken home) by his mom at the final bash, and endless arguments and make-up sessions between Scotty and Kristi.

What truly matters here is the feast of naked flesh to behold. And, boy, is there ever a lot of it (though most of it is covered by skimpy swimwear)! Granted, it’s a bit lopsided, given that it was originally conceived for The Playboy Channel, but there’s some pretty hot dudes in there too.

It’s not just boobies, boobies, boobies.

Though there are a lot.

The picture is called ‘Hardbodies’ for a reason: it’s a term used to describe the toned hotties out there on the beach. So it goes without saying that it peddles in hardbodies, and drips with suggestiveness, as only a Playboy production could. But it’s all softcore stuff; there’s no explicitness.

Frankly, the best way to approach this picture is the way that the trailer does, with a tongue firmly planted in cheek: knowing what they were trying to sell, whoever made the trailer poked fun at the fact that it’s devoid of any redeeming social values; it revels in and mocks its superficiality.

Awesome.

Like a horny teenager, ‘Hardbodies’ has a one-track mind: it’s all about the chase – and sometimes it’s about the catch. It’s basically nearly non-stop “party, party, party” action for just short of ninety minutes. But, if one is into wall-to-wall eye candy, one is truly well-served here.

‘Hardbodies’ is a voyeuristic smorgasbord.

And, sometimes, superficiality can be fun too.

Story: 5.0
Acting: 6.5
Production: 7.0

Nudity: 7.5
Sexiness: 3.5
Explicitness: 2.0

Date of viewing: January 22, 2017

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