Saturday the 14th Strikes Back

Saturday the 14th Strikes BackSynopsis: Eddie Baxter (Jason Presson) is a normal, average teenager with a normal (well, almost), average family. But when the Baxter family moves into a house left to them by a departed uncle, things become decidedly weird. First, Gramps (Ray Walston) tells the family that he’s been talking to his good friend Leonard. Unfortunately, Leonard’s dead. Then Eddie wakes up in the middle of the night to find Dad (Avery Schreiber) sculpting the Statue of Liberty out of chocolate pudding. Eddie soon discovers that his family’s bizarre behavior is linked to a strange mist rising from a crack in the basement. In attempting to solve the mystery, he encounters a singing vampire, a beautiful Egyptian princess and some of the most famous ghouls in movie history. Ultimately, Eddie must fight the Evil One, himself, in a battle across time, space and beyond. Not bad for a kid who’s in high school! Saturday the 14th Strikes Back irreverently lampoons classic horror movies past and present, while delivering laughs and chills along the way.

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Saturday the 14th Strikes Back 1.5

eyelights: it begins and ends (but, mostly, it ends)
eyesores: everything else.

“There’s good things in the world: trees, beaches, girls, I Love Lucy reruns…”

‘Saturday the 14th Strikes Back’ is the belated (seven years later!) sequel of ‘Saturday the 14th‘. They were both written and directed by Howard R. Cohen and produced by Julie Corman.

This time, the story revolves around a family who move into a house that has been bequeathed to them, only to discover that it hides a crack that will allow the undead to come through.

…and take over the world!

Basically, it’s the same movie as the first one, but instead of an evil book of evil, it’s a crack. Both are told from a young boy’s perspective, and many scenes and gags are the same.

Holy $#!tballs, folks… this movie sucked so hard that I’d retitle it ‘Saturday the 14th Sucks Balls’. It’s so bad, in fact, that it makes ‘The Munsters‘ seem sophisticated in comparison.

This is inept filmmaking at its best (worst?). Case-in-point:

  • The picture is narrated by the lead, a Kirk Cameron-wannabe reject whose mullet keeps changing length throughout. His book-ending walk on the beach introduces characters and provides exposition – so that the filmmakers don’t have to break a sweat.
  • Holy crap! The first monster we see is actually a hand puppet. If you thought it couldn’t possibly get worse than the original, well, there you have it.
  • Strange things happen in the house, but nothing ever comes of it; no one asks any questions and there is no impact. I suppose these exist just for “laughs”?

For instance

-The kid wakes up in the middle of the night and finds his whole family sleepwalking, making a chocolate pudding Statue of Liberty. Then the scene ends.

-The mother flips around secret passage in kitchen while the dad is talking to her. He doesn’t notice. Clichéd, I know. But she also doesn’t seem to notice. Now THAT’s original!

-The kid finds a “hot” vampiress in his bedroom. Naturally, he doesn’t wonder about it. (As a side note, she sings a song and three background vampiresses pop up to accompany her. The choreography is so $#!tty that I wondered if they’d even practiced beforehand!)

-His sister’s room gets remodeled by monsters. Naturally, she thinks it’s her brother’s doing (aw, siblings!). But at least she noticed. However, the scene just dies there; neither parent takes notice and there are no repercussions.

-His sister becomes a giant and can’t leave her room. No one wonders about that either.

-The kid calls in a plumber to fix the “leaks”, but after he gets started we never see him again. Did he finish his work? Did he disappear? Who know? Who cares?

-A woman is tending to the punch bowl. Who is she? How do they know her? And where did she go after that scene?

-His aunt grows a beard. They notice, but don’t wonder about it. Maybe they were too afraid to hurt her feelings to address it.

-The kid duct tapes all access points, but the door to the basement blows off during dinner. No one checks but him. La la la… totally normal happenstance!

-Some of the characters from TV are wandering about the house. Nothing to see here: it doesn’t affect any of the family members nor the plot.

-The kid decides that he wants to find his teacher to talk to her about it, but it’s summer break and he doesn’t know where to look. He wanders into a mini golf (where else?) and it so happens that she works there for the summer.

Suddenly, the monsters come chasing after him through the golf course and then drive some balls at him. Then they catch up to him and pile up on him. Next scene: he’s going to bed. Woah… WTF? What just happened here?

– After realizing that he’s become all-powerful, the kid sort of gives in to the evil forces. Then he grows  foam horns on his forehead. Wobbly foam horns. Barely anyone notices – especially not the costume department!

Think ‘Saturday the 14th’ (i.e. similar plot, …etc.) but less good on EVERY SINGLE COUNT. This makes ‘Troll 2‘ seem like a James Cameron movie in comparison. Come to think of it, it makes ‘Piranha II: The Spawning‘ look like ‘Terminator II: Judgment Day‘.

Saturday the 14th Strikes Back’ is such a crap production that the end duel between the kid and “the evil one” was cobbled together from a mishmash of scenes from previous Roger Corman motion pictures. Seriously. It’s hilariously disparate!

But it also filled me with despair and a desire to eat my own face off!

Skip this at all costs.

Story: 1.0
Acting: 2.0
Production: 1.5

Chills: 0
Gore: 0
Violence: 0

Dates of viewings: Sept 29-30, 2015

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