Girls Gone Dead

Girls Gone DeadSynopsis: When a group of sexy high school friends reunite for spring break during their freshman year of college all they are looking for is a skinny dipping good time. Instead they find a sadistic blood thirsty killer wielding a medieval war hammer has targeted them to be his next victims.  

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Girls Gone Dead 1.5

eyelights: funny title. ooh… boobies.
eyesores: everything else.

‘Girls Gone Dead’ is a piece of crap.

I hesitated before picking up the DVD sight unseen; I thought the title was amusing, and felt that trash culture icon ‘Girls Gone Wild’ deserved a trouncing, but I was unconvinced that the picture would be worth the time and money.

Given its source of inspiration and the quality of the production, it was unlikely to be spectacular. But one always hopes for a rare gem, if not a diamond in the rough. If it was even remotely good, half-decent, it would have been great.

No such luck.

‘Girls Gone Dead’ tells the story of a Tara Reid-lite blonde who comes home for spring break but, instead of staying with her religious zealot mother, immediately decides to go off to party at her friend’s lavish summer home out in the woods.

Once there they go to Wyld Wylee’s to drink and hook up, meet some boys, invite the boys back to their place, go to the beach, go to a “Crazy Girls” party, and party with the boys at the house. Oh, and get slaughtered one by one by a masked killer.

The story is rudimentary and clichéd, the dialogues are pathetic, the so-called jokes aren’t at all funny, the performances aren’t even Razzie-worthy, the cast totally lacks spark, and so forth and so on. Everything in ‘Girls Gone Dead’ is pretty frickin’ lame.

The killer doesn’t even add spice to the mix: he/she wears a red robe/cloak, with a non-descript grey mask, and carries a war axe. Lame. For starters none of this is practical. How does he/she get around will all that gear? Hide? Or sneak by? How does he/she hide the weapon?

The kills are poorly done and ultimately unsatisfying. Since one would only watch this to see these  !@#$ bimbos and himbos get their just desserts, the least they could do is be creative and make the kills credible. There isn’t a good one in the lot.

Further to that, the girls aren’t even hot. And they can’t act. And their voices and accents are annoying. ‘Girls Gone Dead’ is a low-class SoCal nightmare: all of them are airheaded twits and are grating as all get-out; they have literally no redeeming values.

Between the vacuous characters and eye-gouging performances, it’s a very difficult watch. If only the characters did or said something noteworthy along the way, but they’re not interesting in any way, shape or fashion. So why bother watching at all?

At least I can report that one of the girls fought back, showed some spunk. But it’s too little to hang onto: there’s no suspense in ‘Girls Gone Dead’. Plus which the culprit was too obvious, even though it’s impossible (he/she is super short, but the killer wasn’t).

The guest cameos might be worth something to someone, but Ron Jeremy does very little here (and isn’t much of a draw to start with) and Nico McBrain (of Iron Maiden fame) barely makes an appearance. Jerry Lawler was alright, though.

Frankly, I’m grasping at straws in trying to find something positive to say about ‘Girls Gone Dead’. At best, I’d suggest that the many half-naked young ladies are a draw, but it’s so meaningless that I don’t think even that warrants a look.

After all, if you want to see boobies, you can see some pretty much anywhere – including the trashy inspiration for this mess of a film.

Seriously, just skip it.

Date of viewing: September 20, 2015

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