Battlefield Earth

Synopsis: Loaded with edge-of-your-seat action and extremely cool special effects, Battlefield Earth creates a totally new style of science fiction filmmaking.

Earth: It is the year 3000. Man is an endangered species. This original and innovative saga of alien conquest and human rebellion is filled with humor, adventure and jeopardy, mixed with special effects that are completely real, combined together for an explosive and highly entertaining movie that will leave you exhausted!

In a role as you’ve never seen him, John Travolta stars as the cruelly destructive Terl (Alien Security Chief Of Earth); Barry Pepper is Earth’s Fiery Rebel Leader, Jonnie Goodboy Tyler, and Forest Whitaker as Terl’s hilarious and deceptive assistant, Ker.

Battlefield Earth 3.0

I am infinitely curious when it comes to cinema. So, while I’ve heard for years how attrocious this movie was supposed to be, I eventually got the bug and wanted to see how much of a trainwreck this actually is. In all due fairness, it took me eight whole years before I stopped revolting against the idea – and now my martyrdom is complete.

Let me just start by saying that I’ve seen worse. The severe thrashing that this movie received was probably partly due to the scientology connection; people just loooooooove to thrash scientology! Forget the Polish or Newfie jokes – now we can have fun with Scientologist jokes! Weee!

But it’s still not a very good movie (as evidenced by my rating).

Until the halfway mark, I thought that it was mostly due to the direction and production side of the movie. The actors made the most out of some pretty poor dialogue, and the core of the story was interesting (even if the script was pretty lame). I kept thinking that maybe the book wasn’t so bad, and that it just got translated to the big screen by total amateurs.

Then, in the second half of the movie, all Hell broke loose and just about everyone and everything got put through the “stupid” filter. Honestly, I don’t think it was my brain suddenly powering up and seeing the light – I really believe that the movie went from lame to lame-@$$ in the matter of minutes.

But the production was a HUGE impairment.

For starters, the race of Psychlos (who bear the most unfortunate name of all aliens races aside from the ‘Retardacons’) are like a poor man’s Klingon: they lumber about on poorly-concealed stilts, and in overly padded uniforms, to give them more stature than the “puny humans”. AND they have rubber hands that can’t hold or pick up anything; it’s evolution with a massive funny bone because, of course, they are soooooo superior to everything else – yet they probably couldn’t even feed themselves.

And everything else looked sooooo cheap. It’s as though they tried to make a 120 million dollar movie on 20 million. Okay, make that 2 million. I mean, this movie’s special effects and production values would sometimes shame a lightweight TV show. From the ’80s. Honestly, it makes ‘Flash Gordon’ look like a masterpiece. And it makes the special effects in ‘Dune’ seem special. That says a lot… if you’ve survived them.

I mean, who put this hunk of junk together anyway? “Bah… it doesn’t have to look real – that’s what imagination is for”. Well, madam/sir… if it won’t leap off the page, leave it ON the page. And thank you very much for not making a sequel, a prequel or anything else related to ‘Battlefield Earth’, ’cause L. Ron Hubbard MUST be doing frickin’ flips in his grave.

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