Band Camp

Band CampSynopsis: This One Time At Band Camp…

Get ready for the wildest, most hilarious slice of American Pie ever! This time around, the bad-boy antics of Stifler’s younger brother Matt get him sentenced to a summer at… Band Camp! Join the fun as the “Stiffmeister” legend reaches outrageous new heights with hot camp counselors, ultra-steamy hidden cameras and a stimulating encounter with a certain medical instrument. Co-starring “Jim’s Dad,” Eugene Levy, and an irresistible cast including a pair of Playmates, it’s a Pie-style party you’ll never forget!

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Band Camp 3.25

eyelights: Eugene Levy. Tad Hilgenbrink’s Seann William Scott affectations.
eyesores: just about everything.

“What the fuck!”

Exactly. WTF. Just WTF.

‘Band Camp’ is a spin-off of the ‘American Pie‘ series. Released straight to video in 2005, it’s the first of four such “American Pie presents”-branded movies that were produced in the years ensuing ‘American Wedding‘.

It sends Stifler’s younger brother, Matt, to band camp to make up for his behaviour in school. A total jack @$$ like his brother, he uses this opportunity to video the reputed hanky panky that goes on there for a website.

Naturally, he doesn’t fit in with the geeks there and gets into confrontations with a girl he was friends with in grade school. But he’ll soon learn the error of his ways, befriend his band members and get the girl.

Yeaaaaaaaah…

I know.

F-ing garbage.

Look, I understand that the ‘American Pie’ series has been a huge money-maker, and that someone decided that they’d milk this cash cow for as long as fans would let them. I get that. I mean, give fans what they want, right?

And it makes sense to start by taking us to the infamous band camp, where it’s suggested there’s all sorts of naughty goings on – and to throw in a Stifler, by far the funniest character of the series. It’s a recipe for hilarity.

It makes sense.

So shouldn’t it at least be watchable?

Fuck.

‘Band Camp’ is a load of garbage that makes the final ‘Police Academy‘ sequels palatable in comparison. It’s not just formulaic, it also doesn’t even do the obvious well. Mind you, given the filmmakers’ pedigree, it’s not surprising.

Bring It On: All or Nothing? Bring It On: In It to Win It? Can’t Buy Me Love? Death Race 3: Inferno? Road Trip: Beer Pong? Slap Shot 3: The Junior League? Son in law? Timecop 2: The Berlin Decision? WarGames: The Dead Code?

That’s their collective filmography?

Fuck me.

A perfect example of the caliber of this picture is when Matt is sent to see the camp’s Morale And Conflict Resolution Officer: for no reason whatsoever, Elyse (the girl he has a love/hate relationship with) barges in and tells him off.

WTF?

Was this movie made by cretins for cretins?

The only two things that kept my stomach settled while watching this movie was Eugene Levy, who’s better here than in most of the original series, and Tad Hilgenbrink’s decent impersonation of Seann William Scott’s Steve Stifler.

Except that he’s not remotely as charming or funny as Scott can be, which is saying a lot about Scott’s ability to play that kind of role. And, man, I couldn’t help but wonder why Levy needed this paycheque so damned badly.

He’s not alone: Chris Owen returns as the Shermanitor, who is now (for God knows what reason!) a school counsellor – he’s the one who sends Matt to band camp. And Levy plays Chris’s dad, filling in for Michelle as the MACRO.

I know. It’s a stretch.

But you have to tie this to the original movies somehow, right?

So why not have Matt hear about fucking an oboe and proceeding to doing the same – and getting caught by Chris’ dad? Is that familiar enough for you? Yes, it’s fucking stupid, but so was the original apple pie sequence, so…

Sigh… the brand of “humour” in ‘Band Camp’ is so low-brow that you don’t just switch off your brain – you need a lobotomy.

Case-in-point:

  • The original incident that gets Matt in trouble is when he and his friends put pepper spray on the school band’s instruments, ruining their concert when they all react to it in unison. The clincher: Matt’s bottle leaked in his pants and he decides to hose his left thigh in a water fountain – which is conveniently on stage (!), behind the band’s curtain. Um… which comes crashing down, revealing to the whole school his bare @$$ “fucking the fountain”. Haha! No.
  • To get back at him for being a douchebag, Matt is invited by Chloe, Elyse’s rebellious friend, to join them for a night of strip trivia – but all the trivia pertains to music, so he can’t win. He quickly clues in and strips down completely. When they ask him to go get something in the other room, they lock him out. Naked. And he scares the other girls and the nurse (played by none other than Ginger Lynn). Haha! No.
  • When the leaders of the rival band decide to suntan, Matt decides to steal their bottle of lotion and refill it himself. With… how does he call it? 100% stiffy juice! Um, yeah. It’s not just completely impossible for him to fill the whole bottle, but we have to watch him jack off to silly fantasies of the girls while standing in a bathroom stall clogged with pooh. Seriously. And then we get to watch the guys smother themselves in his suncream. Haha! No.
  • During the final competition between bands, Matt sabotages their arch enemy’s drinks so that they’ll throw up during their performance. Naturally, someone innocently switches the drinks with Matt’s team’s and they’re the ones who vomit. People puking. Poorly. Haha! No.

…and so on.

Le sigh.

I mean, the gags are already bad enough, but they’re telegraphed well in advance, leaving no room for the element of surprise – which is usually crucial to this kind of gross-out/sex humour. Really bad jokes, really poorly-delivered.

Yay, ‘Band Camp’!

Add to this really some shit performances by non-actors (Arielle Kebbel is a pouty, pseudo-Katherine Heigl), endless breast implants (!), a “dork seduces the rebel” subplot and a facile ending, and this “movie” is fucking unwatchable.

‘Band Camp’ clocks in at only 92 minutes but it felt twice as long. It was so dreadful that I don’t know how I’m going to watch the other three. Could they possibly be as bad? Or worse, even? I don’t even dare to think about it.

Wish me good luck.

Story: 3.5
Acting: 3.5
Production: 4.0

Nudity: 3.0
Sexiness: 2.0
Explicitness: 3.0

Date of viewing: November 23, 2016

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