Synopsis: Bloodsucka Jones and his sexy sidekick Vanessa help an average guy who’s girlfriend is a vampire fight an army of cocky, stuck up pop-collared vampires in this incredible horror comedy. If you like blood, babes, and every kind of comedy this is the movie for you.

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Bloodsucka Jones 7.75

eyelights: the cast. the zany and corny humour. the quality of its DIY efforts.
eyesores: the overly lengthy ending.

“That which does not kill you, makes you awesome.”

So you meet this really wicked woman and you start dating. But you begin to realize that something’s not quite right: She’s a vampire! Not only that, but her coven wants you dead!

Holy !@#$, what are you gonna do? You call Bloodsucka Jones, that’s what you do! Bloodsucka Jones and his sexy sidekick Vanessa will rid you of all your vampiric troubles.

With style.

Awesomeness.

And sass.

‘Bloodsucka Jones’ is a 2013 DIY motion picture from California. It’s the heartwarming story of David and Christine: They’re in love. But David is a goofball. And Christine is a vampire.

It’s a match made in comedy heaven.

It’s not long before David, his best bud Tony, Bloodsucka Jones and Vanessa are fighting off the coven at every turn, led by Christine’s very metrosexual stepbrother Stewart.

Honestly, at first glance, ‘Bloodsucka Jones’ may not seem like much. But it’s a real hoot. It’s silly and nonsensical and it’s delivered with such zest and zeal that it’s hard not to enjoy.

It’s the brainchild of Justin Armao, who wrote, directed and stars in it. Apparently, he got the idea of making a movie for his buddy, Preston Gant (who plays Bloodsucka Jones).

“Holy crap, it’s Mr. T!”

Bloodsucka Jones is a tall blackalicious dude with a mighty (fake) ‘fro and a (plastic) handlebar mustache. A cool cat, his outfit is taken straight out of one of the ‘Blacula’ movies.

Yeah, from the ’70s.

I know: it’s no longer the ’70s.

But Bloodsucka Jones, he don’t care. His $#!t is timeless. His bad @$$ moves transcend generations. Bloodsucka Jones knows he’s a winner, and that’s why he’s got a winning smile.

Anyway, who wouldn’t when your sidekick is a foxy mama jama like Vanessa, a small but sexy -and equally deadly- Philippina in short shorts, leather top and $#!t-kicker boots.

She’s got his back.

And my attention.

Wow.

“She may be fine, but she’ll break your spine.”

What’s terrific about Vanessa is that she’s not just a pretty face: Maria Canapino is a gymnast and could actually do her own (admittedly minor) acrobatics, lending the character moxie.

Thanks to Canapino, Vanessa is the picture’s powerhouse; no one can beat her.

But she doesn’t get the laughs. Most of the laughs come at the expense of David and Tony, two grown-ups who act like frat boys; they show no signs of having any responsibilities.

Or wanting any.

“Okay, so which one of you was arrested for… something involving kittens and a giant slingshot?”

They’re basically cartoon characters, and as such Justin Armao and Travis Woods deliver the goods: their brand of idiocy is reminiscent of Bill Murray and Paul Rudd’s.

“He looks kinda douchey.”

Matt Kelly also contributes tremendously as Stewart: he clearly relished each moment on screen, giving a superb performance that is only marred the staging of the scenes he’s in.

Such are the limitations of über-low budget filmmaking.

But the material also makes the picture funny: ‘Bloodsucka Jones’ aims to spoof blaxploitation, as much as it does ’70s vampire films, as much as it does b-movies. It’s a yummy mix.

“That mean handicapped? I thought that was the symbol for guys who like to sit in beanbag chairs!”

If anything, one gets the impression that the picture was put together by a bunch of guys who just wanted to have fun – and did. And, thankfully, it really translates to the screen.

This helps to override the picture’s many technical limitations: the film was made with very limited means and over the course of something like four years. And it shows. It really does.

But I’ve seen such films before, and few ever transcend their limitations. ‘Bloodsucka Jones’ does: the filmmakers were self-aware enough to make fun of their constraints, often playing it up.

Which in turn makes the movie that much more delicious.

Where they tripped up, however, is in the finale, when the vampires run amok on the city streets; while the sight of countless lovely Goth ladies was welcome, it all dragged on for far too long.

Until that point, the picture zipped by, carried along by an endless string of gags; you didn’t have time to get bored. But then the comedy thinned out, and when the laughter died, so did the picture.

I’m not saying that the inevitable final confrontation was terrible, it’s just that it didn’t stand up to the rest. And by that point, ‘Bloodsucka Jones’ was already 90 minutes long. It ran 15 minutes too long.

Still, having said that, I think it’s a triumph: even given its many limitations, it’s a thoroughly entertaining film – and it’s certainly many notches above most of its low budget peers.

‘Bloodsucka Jones’ is utterly ludicrous, silly and… a whole lot of fun. Imagine making movies with your friends, having a blast doing it and getting it all on screen. That’s ‘Bloodsucka Jones’.

I sincerely hope that Armao and friends will be able to continue making movies, even if it means four year delays between each, for a long, long time. I prefer fun DYI than trite Hollywood tripe.

And, yes, a sequel is already in the works: ‘Bloodsucka Jones vs. The Creeping Death‘.

Coming soon to no theatre near you.

(But you will be able to buy it)

I can’t wait!

Date of viewing: November 10, 2015