The Golden Skits of Wing-Commander Muriel Volestrangler, FRHS and Bar

The Golden Skits of Muriel VolestranglerSummary: From the ‘Cheese Shop Skit’, the ‘Fairly Silly Court Skit’, the ‘Mrs Beulah Premise and Mrs Wanda Conclusion Visit Mr and Mrs J.P. Sartre Skit’ to the Dead Parrot Skit’ (omitted by popular demand), here are all your favourite revue sketches by John Cleese from The Frost Report, At Last the 1948 Show and Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

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The Golden Skits of Wing-Commander Muriel Volestrangler, FRHS and Bar, by John Cleese 8.5

Michael Jackson, John Paul II, John F Kennedy, Mother Theresa, and John Cleese. Where are they now? Once giants, mightier than the greatest oak tree, more compelling than the Rock of Gibraltar, these once-omnipresent international superstars have simply vanished from the public eye, leaving a black hole where once they shone.

We here at The Critical Eye seek to find them out, to unravel the mysteries behind their various disappearances, to discover exactly what motivated their abrupt retraction from public life, to map out their lives post-stardom, scratch the surface of their isolation, and ensure that they are eating well, sleeping plenty, bathing regularly and having a good time.

Michael Jackson: The man, the myth, the elf. Where is he now?

(Editor’s note: He’s dead. Passed away June 25, 2009.)

Ah… are we sure about this?

(Editor: Yes, officially. Unofficially, it’s January 27, 1984. But that’s another story…)

Bloody hell… that totally ruins my intro. What do I do now?

(Editor: I think that you should move on to your next subject.)

I suppose so. But it’s hard to top MJ…

(Editor: Sorry. Thought you knew.)

Alright, then… This will severely truncate my piece, you know.

(Editor: I understand. We’ll pad it.)

Are we really sure?

(Editor: Sigh… yes. Where were you in 2009?)

Okay… if I must…

John Paul II: The man, the myth, the Superpope. Where is he now?

(Editor’s note: He also went the way of the dodo – April 2, 2005.)

What…? That can’t be. That’s NINE bloody years ago!!!

(Editor: Sad but true.)

I’m pretty sure there was a Pope when I checked the Vatican’s website.

(Editor: Hmm…When did you check?)

Yesterday. Or the day before. One or the other. Or maybe Tuesday.

(Editor: Well, there would have been a Pope. Just not John Paul II.)

So, John Paul III… is HE interesting?

(Editor: Actually his successor was Benedict XVI.)

Benedict Gzvee? Who the heck? Is he Manx? (!@#$ Celts…)

(Editor: But it’s currently Pope Francis.)

What? Already?

(Editor: Afraid so. March 13, 2013.)

Blimey. They don’t make ’em like they used to, do they?

(Editor: Carry on, carry on…)

Right. John F. Kennedy: The man, the myth, the ladykiller.

(Editor: um…)

Oh? Oh, really? Him too?!

(Editor: Sigh… yes.)

And Mother Theresa…?

(Editor: As well.)

Well, this is turning out just fine, isn’t it? Here I am spending countless minutes putting together this exhaustive piece and doing my utmost to attract a readership for this flagging website and I’m being railroaded at every turn! My mom told me: “Writing is a fool’s errand.”, my dad told me: “A writer’s life is no life at all. Now, accounting….”, and my (ex) wife told me I should “Get a life!”. Ha! But did I listen to them? NO! I forged ahead, left them in my dust, told them to eat my…

(Editor: There’s always Cleese…)

Wha…?

(Editor: There’s always Cleese.)

John Cleese?

(Editor: Yes.)

John “Morningwood” Cleese?

(Editor: The same.)

Author of the Dead Parrot sketch?

(Editor: The one and only.)

He hasn’t passed on?

(Editor: No.)

He hasn’t ceased to be?

(Editor: Nope.)

He hasn’t expired and gone to meet his maker?

(Editor: Nope.)

He’s not a stiff?

(Editor: No.)

He’s not bereft of life and resting in peace?

(Editor: Certainly not.)

Not pushing up the daisies?

(Editor: No.)

His metabolic processes are not history?

(Editor: Not that I know of.)

He’s not off the twig?

(Editor: No.)

Kicked the bucket?

(Editor: No!)

Shuffled off his mortal coil?

(Editor: No!!)

Run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible?

(Editor: No! No!! No!!!)

Is he not an Ex-Cleese?

(Editor: ARRRRRRGH!!!!!)

Right, then.

John “Manlove” Cleese. The man, the myth, the cheese-fetishist. Husband of Pancreas Filibuster and daughter of Cornelius, silly-walked his way into the nation’s bedrooms in 1965 when he…

(Editor’s note: Since ‘The Golden Skits of Wing-Commander Muriel Volestrangler, F.R.H.S. and Bar’ does not include the Dead Parrot sketch by unpopular request -or so claims John Cleese- we decided to give you a taste -albeit poorly facsimiled- of it here. For the full text, do not get ‘The Golden Skits of Wing-Commander Muriel Volestrangler, F.R.H.S. and Bar’ from your local bookstore or library. Get it elsewhere. But do take a gander at ‘The Golden Skits of Wing-Commander Muriel Volestrangler, F.R.H.S. and Bar’ anyway; it’s a ripping yarn. Thank you, and goodnight.)

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