Synopsis: Four exotic dancers unwittingly unleash an army of the undead, and now only they can save the world with their zombie-killing, kick-ass fighting moves.

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Kyonyû doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5 5.5

eyelights: the cute lead. the zany concept.
eyesores: the lack of originality. the cheap production.

The following is a true story.

I was browsing the shelves of a local second-hand shop on my lunch break, not looking for anything in particular, just looking out of curiosity. And habit. They have a healthy New Arrivals section, but it’s in no particular order; the CDs are on the top shelf and the DVDs on the lower shelf, and newest stuff is just tacked on to one end of the long row.

Looking for a particular title is a challenge unless it’s no longer a New Arrival, in which case it makes its way to the regular shelves – in alphabetical order. It’s fun for browsers because it forces one to look more actively instead of just going to the section one is familiar with. I usually go to the end first to see what the latest is, before someone else comes snatches up the goodies.

I don’t remember exactly what I found that day, but I recall flipping through and finding ‘Kyonyu doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippaa 5’. In North America, it’s packaged as ‘Big Tits Zombie’, a garish title if ever there was one. It’s impossible not to react when seeing that one pass by – whether positively or negatively. In my case, it was curiosity mixed with embarrassment; I wanted to know WTF that was but also knew it should be beneath me.

So I left it there, and proceeded to go purchase the CD I had found.

The store’s owner, one of two brothers, was as chipper as usual and processed my transaction quickly. For some reason, he expressed embarrassment over the aforementioned title (which he couldn’t say out loud) and told that he worried about what the clients thought of it – especially the women. I acknowledged that I knew which DVD he was referring to, and we both laughed off our discomfort.

I told him that no doubt someone would soon come in and save the day, taking it off his hands. We laughed some more and I bid him goodbye.

Armed with the knowledge of this here-to-fore unknown exploitation gem, I went back to work and proceeded to email my friends about it, figuring that some of them would likely get a chuckle or two out of it. I mean, really, ‘Big Tits Zombie’ is both the best and worst marketing move. Ultimately it best describes the movie’s content, but this can be a double-edged sword: it sure won’t make it to Blockbuster store shelves.

I didn’t get the reaction I expected. My friends basically ignored my email. Red-blooded males who sometimes like trashy films didn’t even bother to respond. Go figure. As for me, the darned thing got stuck in my mind. I was planning a series of sexy movies for The Critical Eye and kept thinking that there might room for it in there somewhere. Plus which I thought it would great for a laugh with the buds.

So, the next day, I called the guy and asked him if the movie was still there. I was at work so I could only allude to it. Trust me, he knew right away what I was talking about! I expressed mock astonishment that it was still there and asked him to put it aside for me. On my lunch break I went back for it. He didn’t quite give it to me in a paper bag, but he was visibly relieved to be rid of this offensive title.

After telling my friends that I had given in and picked it up, I took it home and put it on my list of “must sees”. The fact that it included both the 2D and 3D version on it was added incentive. Imagine this baby in 3D!!! I chortled to myself.  (Honestly, who makes these things?)

It turns out that ‘Big Tits Zombie’ is actually based on a popular Japanese graphic novel called ‘Big Tits Dragon’. Or, at least, that is the North American translation. For reasons that escape me, the movie is actually called ‘Kyonyū doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippaa 5’ or ‘Huge Breasts Dragon: Hot Springs Zombies vs Strippers 5’. Since I can’t find any references to part 1-4, I don’t know why it is listed as the fifth.

Bizarre, bizarre. But what can one expect from a straight-to-video effort that was shot on video? Highbrow entertainment?

Yeah right!

In ‘Kyonyū doragon’, we are treated to amateurish acting, an illogical script, pathetic action sequences, weak direction, incredibly bad zombie make-up, even worse make-up effects, horrible special effects (what little there is) and trite “humour”. Frankly, it’s a terrible picture that was likely made on loose change. And yet there’s something fun about it. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I don’t hate it for some reason.

Some might think that it’s the T&A factor, but that’s certainly not the case given how little there is – especially given its title. Sure, there’s a little gratuitous nudity, but barely (haha). I don’t know if it’s the DIY aspect of it that makes it endearing, or if it’s the setting. It’s not the cute Japanese girl thing, either, because they’re okay at best. So what is it that makes it enjoyable despite all its weaknesses?

Spirit? Verve? What?

Fans of exploitation or Japanese horror comedy might get a kick out of this, but there’s really not much to it. It’s basically the story of Lena, trying to eke out a living as a stripper, who gets caught up in a zombie apocalypse because one of her colleagues innocently conjures up the dead after reading from a mysterious book hidden in the basement. From that point onward, Lena and the girls have to fight off a dozen or two bloodthirsty zombies.

Except that it doesn’t play by regular zombie rules at all. These zombies can talk, even act like they did before death, but they have nasty wounds on them and have grey make-up on their faces. One can become a zombie from a simple cut, too: it’s not about dying and returning from the dead. And zombies don’t act like zombies: one zombie shoots fire from her nether region, another has animated guts coming out like tentacles (yes, we can see the ropes!).

Of course, this might be inherent to the source material. What the heck do I know? But it just didn’t feel like a zombie movie to me. I’d be curious to know what the fans of the original manga thought of it. Does it capture the essence of Rei Mikamoto’s work, or is it a subpar adaptation? The fact that it looks and feels so cheap may not be satisfying them, I’m sure, but just seeing it on screen is something in and of itself.

As for me, I was slightly disappointed with it. Sure, there were zombies, but not enough of them (they keep reusing the same ones!). As for the T&A, there wasn’t enough to be deserving of the title. As for the fun factor, well I wish it were more clever, self-referential in the way that ‘Deddo sushi‘ was. Now that was a perfect example of a bad movie done well. ‘Kyonyū doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippaa 5’ doesn’t come close.

PS:  I had started off watching it in 3D, but it was hard on the eyes., so i watched it in 2D. I gave it another shot later  only to discover that only a few sequences are in 3D during the so-called “3D” version. Thankfully, there’s an on-screen prompt to put the glasses on, so you don’t have to wear them the whole way through. I just wish this had been made clear from the start. Not that the 3D is worth anything, truth be told.

Date of viewing: July 29, 2013