Synopsis: A long time ago in a parody far, far away… Award-winning director Axel Braun teamed up with adult powerhouse Vivid Entertainment to film the most ambitious porn ever made.

Will Leia succumb to the darkside of the force? Will Han shoot first? Will Chewy get lucky? You will get all the answers, and much, much more in the adult movie event of the year, STAR WARS XXX: A Porn Parody.

May the farce be wtih you!
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Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody – Non-Sex Version 7.0

When I heard that someone was making a porn parody of Star Wars, I rolled my eyes and immediately looked away. I mean, really, do we actually need a poor re-creation of a beloved classic, with p!$$-poor acting and sex in lieu of development?

(Rhetorical question it is, but, if answered “yes” you did, then you may want to move along, move along…)

Then I stumbled upon the newly-released DVD at the local art house movie rental store (in the regular new release section, I might add ). I was astonished to see that the artwork emulated the original quite well. In fact, due to copyright issues, I thought that this would be quite impossible.

So I picked up the box.

Then I found out that, not only did they manage to keep the likeness of the Star Wars characters and universe pretty much intact, they also kept their names and seemingly reproduced the film itself (albeit with a considerably lower budget and with porn actors in lieu of actual thespians).

I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think it was even legal. I asked the clerk if he knew anything about this, about how they were actually able to get away with it considering that George “control freak” Lucas oversees the maniacal exploitation of his empire. Clearly, he couldn’t have signed off on this now that he’s turned the Star Wars universe into a playground for kids.

The clerk had no idea, and I remained perplexed, still curious to know just what the heck happened.

So I rented the darned thing.

I have to admit that, as of this writing, I have not watched the full-fledged version. I decided to watch the edited, clean version, to see if holds up well without any prurient elements distracting the viewer. Why would anyone do this? For the same reason that they actually put together such a version – for gits and shiggles.

I figured that it would be pointless to comment on the finer qualities of a porn film, anyway. So I decided to tackle the purportedly parodic portion of the programme for the benefit of those whose curiosity was as piqued as mine was, but who have too much personal pride to actually go out and rent the thing. (clearly we are not cut from the same cloth. )

Unsurprisingly, without its nastier components, the two and half hour film has been reduced to slightly less than an hour in length. It retains a large portion of the original story, but skimps on the details, which is completely fine for a parody – the last thing we need is a frame by frame remake of the film, but with jokes thrown in.

The humour is oft corny, if not uninspired. I could think of a number of lines that could have been written better or opportunities that were missed by the screenwriters. Still, they did quite well all things considered and poked fun at a few elements that deserved it, such as the Han Solo vs. Greedo sequence or the sudden appearance of Biggs at the end of the special edition version of ‘Star Wars’.

The funniest bits were handed to Tom Byron as Obi-Wan Kenobi. While he’s no award-winning actor, he stood out from the pack with ease. His delivery was actually half-decent, his accent -although imperfect- never wavered, and his portrayal of a confused, drunk old wizard drew quite a few loud laughs from me.

The rest of the cast wasn’t as good, unfortunately. But… what did one expect? These are porn actors, after all!

Princess Leia would challenge Madonna at the Razzies, and Darth Vader had a difficult time with body language. As for Luke, I was unsure if he was just terrible or purposely playing him badly (after all, Mark Hamill’s performance in the original was hardly stellar); at times it looked like his intention was to make a soulless slacker kid out of Luke. Or maybe that’s just the best he could do…

The voice work was terrible. C-3PO was, not only clichéd and slightly annoying, but the reading was unbelievably off-beat. Perhaps one could write it off as bad computer programming if Threepio wasn’t supposed to be a protocol droid and if Anthony Daniels hadn’t done it so skillfully. Alas. Obviously, Darth Vader’s voice didn’t require much life, but it sorely lacked the profoundly imposing tone that James Earl Jones brought to it. As for the Stormtroopers… well, they were all made to sound like lame-brained SoCal girls.

The CGI, on which the film is almost wholly constructed, and which overwhelms it much of the time, fluctuates between quite good to el cheapo. I was quite surprised by how well-made the space sequences and ship combats were, but the moment that people were involved, the blue or green-screening was all too obvious. Anything real being inserted (now, now…) into a CGI element or vice versa stuck out like a sore bantha.

Still, all in all, I had a good time watching this short parody. I don’t know if I’d recommend it for all audiences, seeing as much of the humour is crude or sex-related; it’s certainly not for kids, grandmas and RepubliCons. While the Force may not be strong with this one, it nonetheless delivered on its promise and, with adjusted expectations (in light of the context in which it was made!), I think almost any fan of Star Wars could have a blast with this unusual take on the beloved classic.

Post scriptum: I’ve since found the following article discussing this type of copyright issue: http://www2.macleans.ca/2012/01/19/how-porn-parodies-avoid-copyright-restrictions/