Painted Lips and Lolly Licks: The Sexy Film Festival 2012

Synopsis: The Mayfair’s annual sexy film fest returns to prematurely, uh, celebrate Valentine’s Day with a lineup of films hand-picked by adult film star Kimberly Kane! Get here early and get in the mood with a live performance by Ottawa’s own Sin-Sisters Burlesque Go-Go and Variety Show!

Featuring the following shorts:

A Sensitive Subject, The Appointment, Butch Tits, Cold Star, Egg, The Fantasy, Galactic Docking Company, The Gossling Factor, Handcuffs, I.M. in Love, Lighthouse Brewing Commercials, Me or the Porn, Mother of Pearl, My Erotic Video Art, “Pool” – Volcom Spec Commercial, Room 218, The Widow’s Razor, Wiggle Room and The Wild, The Untamed Chevonne of the Yukon
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Painted Lips and Lolly Licks: The Sexy Film Festival 2012 8.0

In my quest to offer my readers something novel for Valentine’s Day, I decided to take in a sexy shorts night at local independent cinema, The Mayfair.

I was a little reticent to go because watching sexy films in a darkened cinema has a pretty unpalatable history; I half-expected to be surrounded by dubious characters, if not sleazy men in trench coats. Well, okay… not so much. tongue0024 Free Emoticons   Sticking Out Tongue But it didn’t leave me with a great impression.

Thankfully, this event was sponsored by one of the local campuses’ radio station, and the crowd consisted mostly of young couples, groups of friends (all girls, even – not just horny dudes!), and generally cool people out to have a good time; it turns out that I was probably the only “dirty old man” in that cinema. So I’m glad that I left my raincoat at home. winking0002 Free Emoticons   Winking

The doors opened at 21:00 and the evening began very quickly with a few performances by members of the Sin-Sisters Burlesque troupe.

Hosted by a stumpy, bearded, bespectacled cool cat, we were treated to five shows by four dancers. For me, the highlights were the first one, who stripped to Rob Zombie’s nasty but groovy “Pussy Liquor”, and the fourth one – who remained fully hidden in her cute fox costume, and swung shiny balls around her as if they were nunchakus. Then they (un)wrapped up their opening act with an amusing number featuring the first three dancers together, popping away balloons from their bodies to the beat.

I discovered long ago that stripping does absolutely nothing for me, but I nonetheless enjoyed the dances and the clever, but teasing, ways that the dancers undressed for their audience. I also liked that they were natural-looking girls; imperfect but pretty and sexy in each their own way. As a point of reference, one could say that they were of the Suicide Girls variety, sporting tattoos and died hair.

Then Lee Demarbre, local filmmaker and co-owner of The Mayfair Theatre, gave out a handful of adult DVDs to random audience members and introduced the evening. I am not a fan of his films yet, but I’m impressed by his accomplishments – he’s definitely a stand-out on the Ottawa entertainment scene. A congenial person, he took to the mic with ease and proceeded to warn the audience about “docking”.

Say what? confused

He told us that the Galactic Docking clip would be really disturbing, but, beyond that he set us up with a solid expectation that the programming would fun.

And it was. happy0024 Free Emoticons   Happy

It wasn’t at all perfect; with such a large number of shorts being screened, they can’t all be winners. But, all in all, it was quite good. And I was rather impressed with how fluidly they blended together (aside from a couple of technical problems along the way). I think that whoever put this together did a terrific job of it. happy0027 Free Emoticons   Happy

I had wanted to find the shorts online and include links for you to enjoy and somewhat recreate the experience. However, most of these shorts have not been posted online or could not be found with ease. sad0038 Free Sad Emoticons Thus I will only provide the titles, name of the directors (for future reference, should you want to seek them out), a rating and brief comments.

1.  Opening bit (director unknown) 8.0: a funny, pseudo-’70s porn situation followed by an intro by Kimberly Kane.

2.  The Wild, The Untamed Chevonne of the Yukon (Rachel Wiegers) 7.5: a b&w ditty that recalled early silent films. Cute.

3.  Me or the Porn (Ryan Mains) 8.25: a hilarious bit about a couple who have to contend with the guy’s porn obsession. happy0018 Free Emoticons   Happy

4.  The Fantasy (Josh Stafford) 7.5: an amusing story of a guy who yearns for his colleague. Predictable, but fun.

5.  Wiggle Room (Julie Keck and Jessica King) 7.0: This one was enjoyable. It’s about a girl who is trying to rub one out while her bf’s in the shower, but is constantly distracted.

6.  A Sensitive Subject (Nicholaus Hillier) 7.5: the acting was uneven, but I thought the concept was pretty great – it was about a couple having to deal with each other’s sexual baggage (quite literally) living with them. tongue0024 Free Emoticons   Sticking Out Tongue

8.  The Appointment (Ryan Mains) 7.5: a guy goes to a clinic to deal with his short-term impotence and unfortunately gets a grossly inappropriate MD. winking0002 Free Emoticons   Winking The crowd enjoyed this one.

8.  The Widow’s Razor (Melaine J. Mortensen) 2.5: a poorly constructed dramatic piece with shoddy acting. It really wasn’t clear what was happening and it the editing was iffy at best. sad0133 Free Sad Emoticons

9.  Lighthouse Beer Commercial, “It’s Great Beer” (Ryan Mains) 8.5: plays on stereotypes of men and women and one’s love of beer. Silly, clichéd, but quite funny. happy0021 Free Emoticons   Happy

10.  The Gossling Factor (Michael Anthony Horrigan) 8.25: a completely oblivious buffoon complains about Ryan Gossling while his gf masturbates to the images on their TV screen. Hilarious and well made. happy0027 Free Emoticons   Happy

11. Room 218 (Andrew Alexander) 8.0: really cool concept, juxtaposing how two people get ready for their rendez-vous with the actual encounter. happy0024 Free Emoticons   Happy

12. Lighthouse Beer Commercial, “Sexy Ladies” (Ryan Mains) 8.25: same as the other ad.

13. Cold Star (Kai Stänicke) 9.0: a metrosexual pool orgy music video. Well shot, nice style, and the music was good. My favourite of the bunch. love0010 Free Emoticons   Love

14. Lighthouse Beer Commercial: “Catfight” (Ryan Mains) 7.5: less enjoyable than the others, but still good. Maybe I was saturated by that point.

15. Title unknown (director unknown) 9.0: awesome, fun, eye candy in a kaleidoscope fashion. I’d love to see this one again, actually – if only to try to pick out what all the images were. love0010 Free Emoticons   Love

16. Mother of Pearl (Tikul) 7.0: Um… weird. A woman was fingering and playing with an octopus in her lap. confused Cool looking, though, if a bit long.

17. Handcuffs (Erika Lust) 6.0: meh. I loved the look of the film, but it didn’t do anything for me – even though there was some graphic sex in it. The setting and set-up simply didn’t appeal to me. indifferent0004 Free Emoticons   Indifferent

18. I.M. in Love (Louis Lush) 8.25: A couple of geeks get it on via their laptops. Then get into each other’s lap. Funny and hot. Loved the concept and the sex, which looked like real people not  porn stars. happy0021 Free Emoticons   Happy

18. Butch Tits (Jen Crothers) 7.5: I found it a bit off-putting seeing all the naked butch women with tattoos, beards, guts, …etc. But it was interesting anyway, because it was an affirmation of their sexuality. happy0024 Free Emoticons   Happy

20. Galactic Docking Company (Clark Nicolai) 7.5: The one we were all wary of, in light of Demarbre’s warning. It was kind of… um…  different, but it was done in a funny and original way – as a pseudo NASA film of a rocket launch. tongue0024 Free Emoticons   Sticking Out Tongue

21. Egg (Sadie Lune) 7.5: this one was peculiar porn, with lots of up close shots of vaginas, and eggs (or were they just balls?). Sexual, but not necessarily sexy. And definitely not for your grandma. winking0002 Free Emoticons   Winking

22. Closing bit (director unknown) 8.0: more pseudo-’70s porn plus actual footage of Kane in action.

I should note that ‘My Erotic Video Art’ by Debi Oulu was originally supposed to show before ‘Cold Star’, but it never did, for whatever reason. I suspect that the sexy kaleidoscope short was dropped in at the last minute as compensation. As well, I lost track of when the Volcom Commercial played. It was a blip on the radar, being all of 10 seconds, showing a gorgeous girl coming out of a pool.

I’m also not exactly sure about the order of the Lighthouse Beer Commercials, but the titles are accurate and their placement in the program are as well. Hey… It was a dark cinema, there were a lot of shorts, and I only had pencil and paper to take notes with. winking0002 Free Emoticons   Winking

Also of interest is that ‘Room 218’ won the “Best local film” title for the evening. Alexander won a pass to The Mayfair for a whole year, which is a delicious treat, considering all that they have to offer, day in-day out. happy0024 Free Emoticons   Happy

It all wrapped up at around 23:45 or so. Demarbre had joked that everyone would shuffle home to get it on after the screening, but I can’t imagine why – I would hardly say that these clips were hot on the whole. Oh, there were some moments, for sure. But, at best, one could say that it planted sex on the audience’s brain.

In the end, even though not all the short were appealing to me, and while the dancing wasn’t my cup of tea, I found that it was a terrific night’s programming. I can’t help but commend the organizers for putting together something special, original, fun and making it a success. happy0021 Free Emoticons   Happy

To think that, if not for my devotion to this blog, I probably wouldn’t have gone and would had headed home for something more conventional. Well, I’m glad to have checked this out; not only was it a totally memorable night out at the movies, but it was just a great time out. happy0027 Free Emoticons   Happy

I plan on doing it again next year. And I highly recommend anyone with a very open mind to track these shorts down, if at all possible. It won’t recreate the event, but they’re worth it.

What do you think?

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