Synopsis: Using her sister Lena’s (Marion Cotillard) love life as well as her own for inspiration, Ariane (Julie Depardieu) writes romantic stories for a popular magazine. But for these love-struck sisters, the lonely millionaires of the fiction world are miles away from the commitment-phobic boyfriends that live in their reality.
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Toi et moi 4.0

I don’t have a lot of niceties to say about this dud. The story was nondescript and the acting was bland or annoying – even Marion Cotillard (who has had her share of moments in other productions) plays a fidgety wimp of a girl who is difficult to empathize with.

But the worst of the bunch is Julie Depardieu, whose performance is the equivalent of a soft clay dummy with a wobbly stick up its @$$s (I’m actually referring to the performance itself, not her physical manifestation… ). I can’t explain it, but that’s what popped into my mind while suffering through every single agonizing scene she was in.

The high point, relatively speaking, were the fantasy sequences that Ariane invents, both for herself and her readers. They stood out prettily like a My Little Pony plastic bandage over a massive, flaring rash. Dampening the effect, however, were the voice-overs during said sequences, which were nauseatingly artificial.

Truth be told, the key reason I got this is because the DVD cover gave me the impression of a solid, if unglamourous, drama promising a look at the female side of love:

Had the DVD looked anything like one of the original movie posters (the alternate version of the one posted with the synopsis), I wouldn’t have considered it for even a split-second, instantly recognizing it as the kind of film that would make me want to gut myself with rubber spatula:

If only it had kept its promise, I would likely have enjoyed the film in some capacity. Unfortunately, ‘Toi et moi’ delivered a caricature in lieu of a portrait.  And where Woody Allen has mastered the portrayal of neurotic characters, this film presents us with unsympathetic basket cases. Good times.

And while I recognize that this may appeal to someone, somewhere (aside from the filmmaker herself, I mean ), I can’t imagine whom. Squealing little girls, perhaps? Personally, I would be loath to recommend to anyone I know, that’s for sure.