Synopsis: Suit up for action with Robert Downey, Jr. in the ultimate adventure movie you’ve been waiting for, Iron Man! When jet-setting genius-industrialist Tony Stark is captured in enemy territory, he builds a high-tech suit of armor to escape. Now, he’s on a mission to save the world as a hero who’s built, not born, to be unlike any other. Co-starring Gwyneth Paltrow, Terrence Howard and Jeff Bridges, it’s a fantastic, high-flying journey that is “hugely entertaining” (Joe Morgenstern, The Wall Street Journal).
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Iron Man 7.0

Well, second time’s not the charm, I guess. In fact, I found it less entertaining and more vacuous this time around. I even fell asleep during the BIG ending (truth be told, I thought it was the weakest part of the film the first time around, too).

In brief, ‘Iron Man’ is entertainment for entertainment’s sake. There is little-to-no substance, extremely low believability, no discernible original/creative thought (in fact, it seems to relish in its clichés, like the-boss-is-the-bad-guy “twist” which was already painfully over-used by the time ‘Minority Report’ did it – back in 2002!!!)

Basically, ‘Iron Man’ is dumb jock eye candy. Ooh… look at those cool cars. I want one of those. Oooh… look at those hot girls. Tony Stark is DA man. Ooh… look at those cool weapons. I wish I could blow the crap out of stuff with a gun like that. Ooh… AC/DC. I f-ing LOVE AC/DC ‘cause they have simple riffs and lyrics that I understand and get me in the gut. Ooh… look at those special effects! I love me some special effects. Enough of that talk! Give me some flash-bang-boom!!!

In that sense, ‘Iron Man’ is a success. If you want to turn off your brain for two hours you’ve got the right vehicle. Or if you know someone who’s turned off their brain semi-permanently, then maybe this might make a well-suited gift. And it might even be fun for a kids’ birthday party. But make it a rental, ‘cause you don’t want to raise your kids on mindless drivel like this – there’s already plenty out there to dumb them down (like the “extra new”, more-is-less versions of ‘Star Wars’, for instance).

The cast is alright. It’s probably better than in a lot of superhero films, but that’s not saying much – they’re usually pretty subpar. Robert Downey chews the scenery appropriately, Jeff Bridges sleeps through it (which still makes him better than many actors giving their all), Gwyneth gets by as a cardboard cut-out, and Clarence Howard is Clarence Howard (which means that he always looks like he’s either about to crack up or like a mischievous cat that got the prized bird – I’m not sure which).

The story is okay, but it’s so full of moronic bits that defy credibility:

Just that first part where Tony Stark receives open-heart surgery in a cave, under less-than-ideal conditions by a doctor of questionable skill floored me. Of course, the guy is back on his feet in no time as if nothing happened! I mean, at the best of times, this kind of surgery would have taken months to recover from. But we have to believe that this guy pooh poohs it off and suffers no after-effects, no weakness, no infection? It’s so dumb that I just sat there incredulous and never recovered.

Oh, and then there’s the fact that Stark builds his first Iron Man prototype in that same cave under the pretence that he’s building a missile for his his captors. No one checks on him for days to ensure that he’s not wasting their time, and yet they have cameras on him the whole time. Still, magically, the guy manages to build something ENTIRELY different under their very eyes! Either these guys are dumb as spokes or the filmmakers assumed the audience would be. I’m not liking either possibility, quite frankly.

Then Stark escapes, without the car battery that’s been keeping him alive, and ends up rocketing himself at untold speeds headfirst into the desert. The force of that impact alone should have killed him. But, let’s say for the sake of argument that he wasn’t killed, then at least he’d be stunned, if not comatose, and he would have suffered grievous bodily injuries (at the very least broken bones!). I mean, his bloody armour was torn to pieces, scattered across the desert, so you can imagine what his body should be like.

There are so many such problems in this film but I will leave you with two that hurt me in ways I simply couldn’t tolerate:

-at one point Stark decides to replace the gizmo that was implanted in his chest to prevent the shrapnel that’s stuck in his chest from going to his heart. Of course, he decides to do it himself (which any fool would know better with regards to heart surgery). But he needs a little help and calls on Gwyneth, who is his insufferably helpful assistant. Watching her wrist-deep in his chest cavity was one of the dumbest things I’ve seen in recent memory. Not only was she not wearing rubber gloves, but the open air of his tinker shop couldn’t possibly be antiseptic. It was partly done for laughs, but it was astoundingly dim. I’m surprised she didn’t also forget her ring in there (a cliché one would have expected them to indulge in!). Pure idiocy.

-also done for larffs, but in actuality is cruelly mental, is this scene when Stark tries his propulsors and doesn’t gauge their power well enough. He ends up rocketing himself into a wall, à la Wile-E-Coyote. It might’ve been funny in the Looney Tunes, but when you watch what is supposed to be a serious film, all you can think is “Ouch! Who’s going to call the ambulance?”. ‘Cause surely the guy’s face will NOT have won its game of chicken with the concrete surface it crash-landed into. But, no… Stark just dusts himself off and carries on, being more than a mere mortal, apparently.

And on and on and on and on and on…

And yet the film is enjoyable enough of a romp that I can’t knock it too much; overall, it’s decent enough, if underwhelming. You just have to check your brain at the door to avoid a fatal aneurysm or some permanent brain damage. And, honestly, I can’t help but wonder how great this film could have been if it hadn’t taken its audience for a bunch of airheads; it has the making of something pretty good. But brawn and good looks is nothing without at least some semblance of brains…